Mr. Falcon

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Posts by Mr. Falcon

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  22

  Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Falcons

  by Mr. Falcon in

  1. jw
  2. experiences

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  Mr. Falcon

  shamus, I have no idea who cuts their lawn. Last I heard their non-JW neighbor goes over there and cuts it, but this may be in an attempt to keep the neighborhood decent looking. The place is a dump.
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  22

  Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Falcons

  by Mr. Falcon in

  1. jw
  2. experiences

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  Mr. Falcon

  nomad, i should've. Take a few of those flea-bitten monsters with me.
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  22

  Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Falcons

  by Mr. Falcon in

  1. jw
  2. experiences

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  Mr. Falcon

  Hello, friends. If you’re anything like me, Mr. Falcon, you find yourself at times throughout the day wondering about the bizarre adventures of Mr. Falcon. Maybe you’re working in your garden, shopping or picking up the kids from school and you suddenly think to yourself, “What is wrong with Mr. Falcon?” Or maybe you’re the classy socialite type who wears little black dresses to cocktail parties. And maybe, at a recent event, you overhead some rich and powerful CEOs discussing the enigma that is Mr. Falcon.

  

  "Maybe Mr. Falcon should shut up and get to point of this poorly-written thread, yes?"

  In all honesty, I admit that I have no real issue to discuss here. In light of recent turmoil here on JWN, a poorly-rendered CGI warrior wizard and one brave young woman who stood up to some powerful Brooklyn real estate and actually won, I would like to share a rather strange anecdote that happened to me a few years back when I was an active little Ministerial Zombie. It is a gripping tale full of exotic lawn care, swash-buckling BB rifle action and some poor, misguided rodents. It is my sincere hope that you find it enlightening and entertaining. Just kidding, there is no hope. Here we go.

  For those unfamiliar with my living arrangements, I live on a decent size property in the middle of farm country. As such, I have a fairly sizable garden for vegetables and herbs that I use for both cooking and casting spells on my enemies. Anywho, being that I’m in the middle of an agricultural area, my garden from time to time gets overrun with Omaha Beach-like waves of hungry rabbits. I have attempted to try humane tactics to thwart their furry blitzkrieg, but ultimately, I was forced to go to the ole’ trusty Pump Master 760. Not exactly a real cannon, but good enough for what I needed.

  If you're not prepared to kill a few Fraggles, then you're not ready to plant radishes.

  During this time, attending the congregation I went to, there was an elderly infirmed couple. Being the loving Christian brother, I would load the lawnmower onto the truck and head on over to their house to cut their HUGE lawn. I typically did this after I cut the Kingdom Hall lawn, because for all intents and purposes, I was a gigantic doormat and brown-noser. I was intoxicated with Holy Spirit (which evidently, is similar to being intoxicated on Night Train, but that’s a tale for another day). These folks had an enormous lawn and sometimes I wouldn’t be able to get the truck over so I would be forced to use their piece-of-crap-busted-ass push mower. Add to that the balmy 100+ degree weather we were getting at the time and one would easily begin to see comfort in death. Oh, and let’s not forget the numerous yellowjacket nests that were in the ground hidden throughout the yard. Apparently, Vespula germanica doesn’t take too kindly to having lawn equipment being dragged over the roof of its home.

  

  "No thanks, we have our own religion. But can I offer you some painful venom?"

  On one occasion I was just finishing up the cutting and all I had left to do was the front yard. There was a patch of tall grass sticking up around a drainage pit in the front yard. The JW woman hobbles out and wants to tell me something, so I shut off the lawnmower engine. She points toward the pit and says, “Don’t cut the grass over there because my rabbits live in there.” Now, by “her” rabbits, she was referring to the wild rabbits that just run around the neighborhood, lest anyone believe that these were indeed her actual pets. Smiling, in a poor, yet innocent attempt at humor, I replied, “Understood. At my house I have to shoot them.” THAT IS ALL I SAID, I SWEAR. She gave me this odd look and went back in the house. I finished the lawn, load the truck up, and without even receiving a bloody “thank you”, and I leave. Whatever. Don’t give it another thought. Until, that is, two days later at the Kingdom Hall…

  That evening I arrive early at the Kingdom Hall, as usual, to get all the back counter set up with various fictional literatures. While I’m doing this, an elder comes up to me and asks if he could speak to me for a moment. “Sure,” I replied.

  “It’s come to our attention that you are in possession of a firearm and are actively killing animals. We feel we need to counsel you on this.”

  

  "In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary....come again?"

  My first thought was, “What the hell is this guy talking about? Killing animals?” Then it hit me – the rabbits. Sweet Jews for Jesus, the old coots had dimed me out. Here I was, cutting their lawn for FREE, using my gas, my truck, my time, getting attacked by flying and stinging creations of “God’s love”, passing out from heat stroke and begging for death and these two ungrateful ass-hats complain to the elders that I’m some sort of Jeffrey Dahmer. Then the old husband (himself an elder) starts bitching that I need to get rid of my “weapon”. It’s a mother-loving BB gun! Anyways, I was so pissed off and I went home to research what the ever-knowing Society had to say about this. I’m not going to get into what I read because it was stupid anyway.

  Needless to say, I never cut their lawn again and am half-tempted to go back in the middle of the night and use herbicide to write a big F U in their front lawn. I hope you enjoyed this story and will now send me $1 each. But if not, well, that’s cool too. Good day.
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  34

  Kendrick in good standing in Oakley Congregation ... wow !

  by RubaDub in

  1. watchtower
  2. child-abuse

  can anyone imagine the what the elders in his current congregation must be going through ?!.

  in their ideal world, they would have df'd him once they knew there would be a trial so they could play the card "he's not one of jw's.

  " but since it occurred in a different congregation and he was already punished, there is little they can currently do.. wow, imagine the buzz in the kh when the info started leaking out.

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  Mr. Falcon

  Kendrick's in good standing? Whew... after all this sex abuse scandal I was really worried whether if he was okay.

  Seriously folks (and especially any lurkers reading this) consider this:

  As it stands now, after all is said in done in the case of Candace vs. The Watchtower, according to WT beliefs, shortly Jehovah God will destroy the wicked girl Candace while simultaneously leading a smiling, faithful Kendrick by the hand into Paradise.

  Marinate on that for a hot minute.
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  8

  June 2012 Our Kingdom Mini$$$try: How Can You Give U$$$ Your Money After You're Dead?

  by sd-7 in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i noticed the june 2012 our kingdom ministry question box, which asks, "what should be kept in mind if we want some or all of our assets to go to jehovah's organization upon our death?".

  the article recommends preparing a will so as to potentially distribute "some or all...to jehovah's organization" and gives this concluding advice to trustees of said will:.

  "a trustee or executor should be aware that whether the estate is large or small, liberties should not be taken with the assets.

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  Mr. Falcon

  sd-7, i tip my hat to you. I thought I was awesome. then i met you.
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  7

  Proud to be a Jehovah's Witness?

  by compound complex in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  let's be honest, brothers, and apply to ourselves what we write in our publications:.

  awake!, september 8, 1987, pages 10 and 11: future prospects for protestantismand for you!.

  if your church fails to act, will you?.

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  Mr. Falcon

  I once surfed porn in a Kingdom Hall. so I guess I wasn't proud.
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  110

  It took me a long time to write this...i'm staying.

  by MsGrowingGirl20 in

  1. jw
  2. experiences

  it took me a long time to write this....i'm being brutally honest...i am still a reg pioneer...three sundays ago,i was praying and asking god for a sign or something because i was so confused...i told him exactly what i needed to see for me to believe.i was feeling terrible--crying and feeling sick because i was so confused.ten minutes after, i walked into the kingdom hall and to my surprise--my prayer was answered!

  i soooo wasn't expecting it, even though i prayed.

  so this is where almighty god wants me to be,ii've reasoned.

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  Mr. Falcon

  Ms gets no pity from me. This is going to come across mean but she had every opportunity to fix how she thought.... she was exposed to reality here and she didn't invest the time or introspection necessary to figure out where the breakdown in her thinking occurred.

  CHEEZ

  but was she hot? like found sheep hot?
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  83

  Sparlock Drives My Wife to the Brink of Apostasy

  by breakfast of champions in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i reported the other night that we sat down to watch the new video, and while my wife was smiling and laughing while watching the first part, she stiffened and became quiet during part two.

  it disturbed her deeply:.

  "this is ridiculous.

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  Mr. Falcon

  I make Mrs. Falcon dress up like Sparlock. Different strokes for different folks.
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  12

  Aug 12 Awake: Students who cheat are like a fake brand-name

  by Listener in

  1. watchtower
  2. bible

  this comment was found in the august, 2012 awake.

  students who cheat are like a fake brand-namewristwatch that only looks good.

  this seems a rather odd thing to say considering jws should not be materialistic.. generally most fake brands are copying expensive designer brands otherwise they wouldn't bother making them.

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  Mr. Falcon

  Another incredibly enlightening article from the Watchtower Society. I stopped reading that drek years ago.
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  32

  Take a moment this Memorial Day weekend...

  by Mr. Falcon in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  "remember all the movies, terry, we'd go see .

  trying to learn how to walk like heroes we thought we had to be .

  and after all this time to find we're just like all the rest .

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  Mr. Falcon

  Sorry to hear that 00DAD. I'll have a drink for ya.